The hit series that aired for nine seasons on CBS may have been titled Everybody Loves Raymond after comedian Ray Romano’s character Ray Barone, but there’s no denying that the real star of the series was Hollywood legend Peter Boyle’s cantankerous patriarch Frank Barone.
More than any other character in the series, Frank was never afraid to speak his mind, no matter how much trouble he could get into for doing so. A lover of food, television, and sitting around with his pants unbuttoned, Frank was a man of simple tastes and simpler words. But sometimes, all you need is a few simple words to get the point across in a way that will be truly impossible to forget. Here are ten of Frank’s absolute best lines in the series.
“Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. My wife thinks I’m in the bathroom.”
Frank Barone isn’t exactly someone who’s ever willing to be open with his emotions, or show anything vaguely resembling a soft and soulful side. That’s what makes this first entry on the list so totally hilarious, as Frank steals away from home to find a bar with a karaoke night in order to fulfill his dreams of singing.
While serenading the audience with “I Left My Heart in San Francisco,” and doing a damn good job of it in fact, Frank gleefully tells the cheering audience, “Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. My wife thinks I’m in the bathroom.” If that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know about Frank, and about his marriage with Marie, then we’re not sure what will.
“And I owe it all to Marie’s Mouth.”
In the episode “Boys’ Therapy,” the women try to convince all of the men to attend family therapy together, as a way of dealing with all of the issues they’ve had pent up between them over the years. Of course, the men let them think they’ve gone to therapy, but in reality, they head right for the horse betting track.
While there, Frank notices a horse he believes to be a sign of a sure thing: Marie’s Mouth. So he bets it all on the horse, and wins, which allows him to make the hilarious remark “And I owe it all to Marie’s Mouth.” when they return home and pretend that going to therapy has made a difference.
“Holy crap!”
Sitcom characters often have catchphrases, but few characters can claim they have such a vulgar yet succinct and meaningful catchphrase as Frank Barone. Virtually at the drop of a hat, the grouchy old man will proclaim “Holy crap!”
Does something taste good? Does something unexpected happen? Does he get his way? Does a memorable kick happen during the football game? Does something taste bad? All of those situations, and many more, are enough to elicit a “Holy crap!” from Frank. And each and every one of those times he does so is hilarious.
“When Hansel and Gretel got away from the witch, I got inspired and stayed here.”
The marriage between Frank and Marie Barone is hardly a conventional one, given how much they argue and the nasty words they throw at one another as though they don’t mean anything. But the sharp wit on display in every scene between these two makes for some truly legendary pieces of comedy, even if there’s a bit of a sting along with the zing.
In one episode, Marie comes across the street to find out what’s taking him so long to come home, since he’d told her he was going to visit the twins and read them a bedtime story. His absolute savage response? He learned a thing or two from the fairytale he’d read them: “When Hansel and Gretel got away from the witch, I got inspired and stayed here.”
“Here’s what life is. You’re born. You go to school. You go to work. You die. That’s it. That’s all. Cannoli, Marie.”
As we’ve already established, Frank Barone has quite the way with words, and that’s especially true when it comes to being totally blunt and cutting right to the chase when the moment calls for it. His brutal way of delivering his own unique pearls of wisdom often come in handy during tense discussions in the series, such as this one.
When Ally asks Ray what the meaning of life is, he has absolutely no idea how to respond, and turns to the family for advice. Frank’s response, while hardly comforting and flowery, is just about as basic as it gets: “Here’s what life is. You’re born. You go to school. You go to work. You die. That’s it. That’s all. Cannoli, Marie.”
“I tried nice once. Didn’t care for it.”
As a result of Frank’s total honesty and blunt way of dealing with the world, it’s not hard to think of Frank as someone who isn’t exactly one of the kindest people you’ll ever meet. He physically recoils from displays of affection, angrily refuses to acknowledge moments of past kindness, and terrifies his own grandchildren on multiple occasions.
As Frank himself put it once, “I tried nice once. Didn’t care for it.” That doesn’t mean he’s an absolute monster, of course. But being soft and nice and sweet with people is never exactly Frank’s forte.
“There’s only some people I hate. The rest I tolerate.”
Frank Barone is one of the most totally ruthless characters in sitcom history when it comes to being honest and not caring in the slightest who his absolute honesty will hurt. He’s also totally honest about how he feels about people - which usually means telling people how much they annoy him, and how little he cares for them.
In fact, we don’t need to do much to convince you of that fact, when we’ve got Frank’s own words to put it far better than we could: “There’s only some people I hate. The rest I tolerate.” Now that should be a Hallmark card.
“Two serving nada, I’m ashamed to be his fadda.”
The episode “Ping Pong” is one of the most iconic of the entire series, as it finds Ray and Frank pitted against each other in a vicious battle. After Ray learns Frank had actually let him win during a game of ping pong in his youth, something that once served as a point of pride for Raymond, he becomes determined to actually beat his father in a rematch.
What the rematch entails, of course, is some particularly legendary smack talk from the dancing and gloating ping pong victor, but none of the lines are more bruising, more snarky, and more outright hilarious than “Two serving nada, I’m ashamed to be his fadda.”
“That’s gonna need another coat.”
Another episode that finds Ray and Frank at odds with one another concludes with one of Frank’s most memorable and most totally brutal lines and takedowns of poor Marie. In the episode “Frank Paints the House,” father and son argue about what Raymond’s house should look like, and Ray winds up firing his own father, to Frank’s humiliation.
After fences are once again mended, Frank returns to painting the house with both Ray and Robert working for him again. When Ray pokes at Robert’s neck while Robert is spray painting, poor Marie winds up getting a face full of yellow paint. And as Frank wanders by the scene, he makes the perfect observation: “That’s gonna need another coat.”
“You’re a trophy wife? What contest in hell did I win?”
In case you haven’t noticed, there’s been a real pattern in some of the entries on this list. Most of Frank’s best lines, and his best burns in the process, come at the expense of his long suffering wife, Marie. The number one entry here is no exception to that trend. In the memorable episode “The Toaster,” Frank and Marie frantically scramble to find a toaster that they’d returned after receiving it from Ray for Christmas, not realizing it had been inscribed with a loving note.
During their attempts to return their replacement coffee pot at the store, Marie opines to Frank that she can contribute, and that she’s not just some trophy wife. Frank is momentarily stunned into silence by that remark, taking his time coming up with his own absolutely perfect reply: “You’re a trophy wife? What contest in hell did I win?”
